When the BDSM movie 50 Shades of Gray was on the theaters and everyone was talking about it, I decided to watch it. I understood why people thought it was exciting and it was because it was new and different. But for a Mistress like myself, that has been into a D/s relationship for many years, it could not be further from reality.
A Good Master is the man that communicates, listens, cares, and teaches the submissive. He doesn't impose, hurts, buys, threats and pushes boundaries whenever he feels like it, as in the movie.
In my point of view, Master Gray was more of a traumatized guy that wanted to hurt someone as a relief of his own frustrations. So he finds this poor naive girl that has nothing; no money, no personality, and no life to play with.
Yes, that's a good combination for a D/s relationship, a combination made in heaven; but only if you know how to handle it. But everything happened so fast, he did not teach her anything, he just kept pushing and pushing until he scared her away and when that happened, he starts begging for her to stay.
Nothing made sense to me. Cero communication; he didn't even explain to her what she was getting into. She was astonished by this charming millionaire that was gifting her with everything she would have ever dreamed of and fell for him. She even signed a contract in which she was giving him permission to do with her mind and body anything he wanted.
That's not how it works at all, they missed the essence of it...TRUST!!! And building Trust takes TIME!
The whole movie was based in errors that some Masters and Mistresses make when we are learning about this lifestyle. I will use myself as an example: I always knew I was the Dominant kind of Woman, so vanilla relationships would bore me to death. When I finally decided to do something about it, I read a lot and also watched many videos about BDSM, D/s, fetishes, kinks, etc. I did that for months and I was incredibly excited because finally I have found what I really wanted.
When I thought I was prepared I found my first submissive man, and what did I do? Just as Mister Gray did. I didn't communicate enough, I didn't care as I should, I pushed boundaries too soon, I hurt and scared him away.
As you can see, it's a process that takes time if you really want to have a long lasting D/s relationship.
A Master just like a Mistress need to be open to listening to their subs. You have to teach not impose, and patience from both sides is extremely important; that's how Trust is built! Boundaries are to be respected, there is a safe word for a reason. Do not push too hard, take small steps or the relationship will fail as mine did and as Mr. Gray's did.
For someone that is vanilla and has no idea about BDSM, it might be a good movie; but for people that belong to a BDSM lifestyle like me, it is not because we do understand the intention of it.
Submission is a change in life that not only changes the way you dress, act and relate to each other. It truly shifts your life viewpoint in the long term.
One of the greatest gifts your Master will be giving you as a submissive/slave is the teaching of gratitude. You will become thankful for the smallest things and the largest surprises.
You are no longer going to take stuff for granted and you are not going to have a list of expectations, but you will learn to be grateful for everything that’s given to you. Submission is in many respects the ideal antidote to our selfish social culture.
Be grateful for everything that gets you through the day with your submission. If you are given tasks by the Master, thank him for the privilege of serving him.
Activity provides you the opportunity to add to your time a range. Once you've been sitting at his feet for most of the evening looking off in the distance, a opportunity to get up, get him some tea or do the dishes will be like heaven.
More than that, being thankful for the tasks he assigns you is a way of acknowledging to him that his pleasure is your pleasure and you love to meet his needs.
Pay attention; If your Master gives you permission to eat, enjoy intimacy, leave the room, etc., you will always say,“Thank you, Master.” You do not thank your Master only for the good things, but for the harsh things as well, this is exactly what’s expected from you!
To learn and to grow takes time, energy and patience from your Master. Punishment and correction will be involved. He will decide the best way to do it; just keep in mind, it is equally exhausting and challenging for both of you.
Thank him for his spankings, his corrections, his lectures and for giving you another chance to learn. The more you thank your Master for the punishments and guidance he gives you, the more firmly entrenched in his love and power you will become.
Developing a heart complete of appreciation is one of the best in all the ways you develop in grace through your practice.
Read what I have to say, it might be helpful with the adventure you are about to begin.
I wish someone would have helped me when I chose to become a Mistress. Unfortunately, I had to learn on my own and of course made many mistakes along the way.
In case you are seriously thinking on having a D/s relationship with you as a Master/Mistress; there are things you have to learn and be prepared for.
There are urges, thoughts, and fantasies in the beginning. The urge to possess, the thought of excitement, the fantasy of controlling. This can be exciting but also very challenging. Impatience is one of the biggest challenges. Nobody likes waiting, it requires a strong will and to hold back what you long to possess. Self-discipline is the key! You may wish you could act on impulse, but you have to realize that to do so would be irresponsible and could harm your submissive. No Real Dom would want to break the heart and soul of another, nor damage their flesh and body. The body is for pleasure and everyone’s soul should be kept intact. Yes, you may want to immediately bring chains, whips, strapons to the table; but you can’t! Being careless with someone else will only cause mistrust and disrespect towards you. As a Dominant, there are things you should keep in mind to control your urges.
Examples might include:
* Value yours submissives gift of Trust. * Be honest to yourself and your partner. * Listen (both verbal and non-verbal). * Honor and respect the submissives well being first & foremost. * Take it slow, admit what you don’t know and be open to keep learning. * Consequence matters, no matter what the intent was. * Leave your ego at the door. * Be Responsible!
I will continue giving you advice to become the best Master/ Mistress that you can be.
You want to know how to find someone to experiment with and maybe have a relationship with?
No matter what sort of person you are looking for, finding a BDSM partner is difficult. It's a lot of work. It's even more difficult to find someone who is into similar BDSM activities as you - especially since it's not something you share openly. It's hidden and secret. And the people who are looking for you? Don't know how to find you either.
Let's say you want to explore a playful, perhaps sexual relationship with D/s or BDSM aspects to it. So, you are looking for a casual playmate. These sorts of relationships can be anything from a trusted person within the community that you play with at public parties, or someone that's a Friend with Benefits and you play in private. It can also be anything that neither of you are looking for long-term right now.
Looking for partners in this situation might be easiest on the local and not so local BDSM community. If you are a part of the community you can find people to play with and that the leaders of the community trust or that have a good reputation. A lot of play happens between strangers at a play party, so even if you don't attend regularly, try to get to the parties to meet people. Regional and National events are also good places to meet people and possibly hook up.
This can apply to long-term ones too. People looking for lasting, lifetime relationships mingle in the same places as casual players. So don't forget to go where the people are that have common interests.
In this age of online dating, the large dating sites like eHarmony and Match are also places you can find people with BDSM or D/s interest. It may not be quite so obvious and you will probably have to weed through more people who quite obviously don't fit into what you are looking for but it is still possible to find someone who you connect with on all levels and make that lifetime commitment.
Since what we do behind closed doors is generally not talked about in casual conversation, don't be surprised when the man you met at the garage sale or the lady sitting next to you at church that you asked out on a date turns out to have some kinky interest. People interested in BDSM are everywhere. It will probably require you to be a bit more open with people as you date and explore relationships as to what you are looking for but it isn't an impossible feat. The world is full of people with happy, healthy BDSM and D/s relationships.
What about LeBDSM? LeBDSM is a BDSM exclusive dating website. You can login, create your profile, add your pictures and wait for someone to contact you. It's FREE. There are a lot of people for personal ads and hooking up - both for short-term casual flings and long-term relationships. This working very good for women, If you are a man you should probably try a silver of gold plan on the website to be able to contact first.